Making progress

Despite much heart ache and chafe, I definitely feel better off without a heavy weight trying to drag me down and control me. I didn't realise that at the time but this is the nature of perspective. I finished off another drawing, titled X-mass, usually a time of giving and rejoicing BUT alas not the case, my ex left me with a $360 phone bill which has essentially disabled me financially so I'm currently formulating a plan as to what to do about x-mass gifts. On the flip side, on Wednesday, I'll be graduation from university, I'll finally have my degree in my hand. *much excitement*

Art Attack

Trying to focus my time and energy on something to distract me from my hurt. Although I hate to admit it and hide it quite well,  when i wake from my  broken sleep filled with dreams ( or nightmares),  it only a reminder me of all the stupid lies I believed and eat up so trustingly. Despite my best efforts to distract myself during the day by keeping busy, it's during the night when all this shit bubbles up to consciousness to torment me, as if there is no escape. It's similar to a splinter in my mind,irritating me. 
Not to be completely depressive, i did manage to get some reasonable work done, an i'm not saying i'm an artist by any stretch of the imagination and i'm not going to say i am, but i do draw and play around on the computer so here is some things i have been working on.

heartbreak- least now i know if someone says they need space, they are in the space of someone else's vagina

So the guy I felt so much for, who wanted "space" so I gave it to him, who told me and promised me that "it's not over" and that " this isn't the end" is now in a relationship with another girl. Photos of themselves with each other on their display pictures and everything, loved up comments on each others pages, it'[s enough to make anyone violently ill, an addition horrid thing I recognise is that so much of what I see I have seen before, on my own page not so many months ago.

Feeling like I have been kicked in the guts and currently nauseous, I am trying to make my head stop spinning and try to find the light at the end of the tunnel.I just had the most amazing weekend with a freind of mine, and to come home and discover all this, it just makes me feel so much when all i want is to feel nothing, nothing at all. I want company but at the same time I recognise that I am no good to anyone as company while in the mood I am in.

Another thing is that he pushed to organise a time and date to meet me and get a book of his that he let me borrow, only to bail at the last minute, and when I mean last minute, I'm talking 10:30 the night before the morning of the meeting, it was just lucky I happened to check my facebook before bed that night, or I would have travelled into the city only to be stood up. Perhaps I do have an angel who is looking out for me, making me have that "feeling" which is why I decided to check be4 bed, or maybe my delusions are encroaching on my daily life as well as my love ( or lack there of) life.

Sunday Nov 28th 2010

Sunday Nov 28th 2010

Chaos ramblings-

I've been really sick this last week,not being able to eat or drink really deduces the quality of life an individual has. I had to see the doctor 3 days in a row and now I'm on penicillin meds for another 7 days. I'm dying for a drink but surprisingly I'm only hungry when I smell food. I can get down watered down fruit ice blocks which are really soothing.

All this time stuck inside has given me time to think, which is both good and bad at the same time.
Did some writing last night, was rather therapeutic, not particularity brilliant work but thought I might share anyway :

We are all lone, despite whether we acknowledge it or not
But it's who we surround ourselves with who make us feel whole

Life is short, days are long and nights are longer
We survive tormented by the future and haunted by our past
Haunted of memories which were once so solid so real, but not only shard of glass remaining penetrated in our heart
Reflections happy times, of seemingly happy places
Surrounded with dreams and plans of what life would be like
only now recognised as just a dream in my fantasy

Do i torture myself? Not even meaning to?
Vowing to night make the same mistakes
only to fall over again and again,
almost like falling down a spiral staircase
gaining momentum as I go

Every new situation has different elements
variation which alter them from the past
yet I still make the same mistakes
what a snowball I am in



Stay lovely everyone
xoxox